Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
