there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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