I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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