Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
