I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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