Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I think my moral compass just broke
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