remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
