I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
