dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
