and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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