6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
people are starting to question the shark bite story
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
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