Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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