Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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