Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
