she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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