Banned from zoo.
Again?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
