Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
