I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
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