New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
