Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Randomize
