We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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