Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
