its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar