when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.