I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years