Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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