Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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