woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
