xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
