I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
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Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
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We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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