We're facebook friends in real life
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
