You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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