i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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