Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Still dying that you shit outside
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
