Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
