this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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