six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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