Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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