I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Randomize
