Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
