so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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