Someone shit on the floor
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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