I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
