rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
