My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My ass is underappreciated
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
