we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
