I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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