I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
