i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
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