im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
