The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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