It's Friday. Sex?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
