It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
