i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
We talked him into tasing himself.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
