Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
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