Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
