Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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