She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
you never un-have a 4some
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
