sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
