All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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