By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
